Missing

Thus the reason for this early morning post.

There have been some events this evening that are making me a little sad...and while the events themselves will prove to be unimportant in time, they stirred up wishes that my Grandma was still here.

My maternal Grandmother passed away in 2008 from Non Hodgkins Lymphoma...and most days I do pretty well. I still think of her, obviously, but I haven't earned this "tough cookie" reputation when it comes to emotions for no reason. Usually I can reason with my emotions so that they don't come to surface very often.

But then, there are nights like tonight, when it just doesn't seem fair that my Grandma isn't here, that reason no longer wins out in the battle of my emotions. And then I'm stuck bawling my eyes out at 1:30 in the morning. My Grandma was the sweetest, classiest, and quietest lady out there...but she loved with all her heart and knew more about how I was as a person than sometimes I think I did.

What hurts the most about her not being here can be summed up in one short three letter word. LBB. Dear Sweet Hubby and I started trying to get pregnant just a month before we found out that her cancer had returned, and was worse than ever. Gosh, how I prayed that we would get pregnant so she could hold her first great-grandchild. God had different plans, and while I am not mad at Him (how could I be?), sometimes that hurt doesn't go away. Oh, how she would have loved LBB. Sometimes I think that she knows who he is...that she is watching from Heaven smiling down at us. Sometimes I feel like she is right here next to me.

But then there are nights like tonight, when my heart hurts so much that I can't help but feel every ounce of loss. I can't help but wish that she could have held him, even if just for one time. But most of all, I get so mad that cancer took her away and that she didn't get to see him. That he didn't get to hug her. That she didn't ever get to hear his sweet little voice say "hey" over the phone. Oh, how I hate cancer.

I can't type this without tears pouring down my face. The circumstances that happened tonight just plummeted all the strength I had to keep this sorrow deep in my heart...and while I was originally mad about the origin of tonight's hurt, now that seems petty and insignificant. Now I just want my Grandma back...I want her to be able to see LBB. I want her to be able to hug him. I want her to laugh when he makes his adorable little "WHOA!" face. I just want her here.

I knew I had to blog about it though...something has to get some of this hurt out. And I know this blog is usually lighthearted and fun and about the good things in life...and I guess deep down, even through the hurt I'm feeling right now, I do know that my Grandma is getting a pretty good show from way up there in Heaven as she watches every little thing LBB does.

So, please pardon the sadness. I'll be fine in the morning after a semi-good night's rest. :) Thanks for listening.